When You Have Nothing to Lose
by Alfonsina.d
Summary: WARNING: this is not a traditional pairing. I promise no character bashing, but I make no promise who the characters involved really are until the bitter end. Angst/pain with a touch of romance.


Warning: This is a pairing but not one you will expect … it is moderately angsty and romantic. To actually know who is in this pairing, you must read to the last line.

**When you have nothing to lose  
by Alfonsina**

The pain was searing and undeniable. I was in a strange bed with scratchy sheets and a flat pillow. I like having a couple of pillows, the flat ones don't do anything for me except irritate me. The room smelled of bleach and other cleaners. I hoped that if I closed my eyes, I'd be home again; I'd be like Dorothy and returned to my own version of Kansas.

When I opened my eyes again I realized nothing had changed, except now I was aware that there was the sound of a monitor over my head.

I don't know how I got here, the last thing I remembered was the explosion and shrapnel coming from everywhere. Somewhere there'd been the sound of a siren in the background. Then there was nothing until this.

I looked up and saw an unfamiliar face looking down on me.

"Sweetie, do you know what day it is?" she asked.

"Tuesday?" the answer was more of a question.

She shook her head, short blonde hair was flying about her face. "Try Saturday."

How long had I been here?

"Do you want something for the pain?"

Hell yes, I want something for the pain and a lot of it, right now. I closed my eyes again and nodded. The next time I opened my eyes, a pair of dark chocolate eyes were looking intently at me.

"Are you OK?" he asked gently stroking my arm.

I wanted to say, "No, I'm not. I have no idea how long I've been here, why I'm here or why this bed is so damned small." Instead I said, "Wish I were home. Can you get me out of here?"

He smiled sadly and kissed my forehead.

"You're here for as long as they say you'll be here."

I wanted to pout and bitch but that would have taken energy I didn't have. I chose to nod my head instead.

"Hey, don't do that," he whispered.

I wrinkled my brow and just stared into that beautiful face I loved so well.

"What?"

"Don't cry. I'll get you out of here as soon as I can, but you need to get past the worst of it here. You're going to need round the clock care for a long time," he said picking up my hand and raising it to his lips.

I hadn't realized that I'd cried a single drop. It must be the pain medicine making me emotional. I don't do emotions very well. I've always been taught to stuff them, hide them, deny them; go on and be strong. The façade was crumbling without my permission and I couldn't stop the floodwaters that were cresting over the dike.

I nodded and sniffled.

"Will you stay with me? I don't want to be alone," I said.

"Where else would I go? You are my number one priority, you should know that by now," he said.

We had circled each other's orbit for a couple of years, neither one willing to admit feelings for the other. There was one night, quite some while ago, when we both unleashed the passion. The next day, he'd broken my heart. He hadn't said it was a mistake, but implied we could never repeat the experience. Someone teaches you passion and joy at a level you never knew existed and then pretends it never happened. Bastard.

Recently there had been a change of events for both of us. We had been working and things almost went very wrong for him. The knife had been at his throat and almost pierced that beautiful brown skin and marred it. I didn't think twice, I pulled my weapon and took the life of the one who would have shattered my world.

After that night there were no direct declarations of love, but there were little things. He left me small gifts at my desk or in my car. He invited me to watch a movie at his place that we somehow never saw. He'd invited me to dinners that we never ate. We began to exist on passion, fire, excitement and each other's energy. Everyone knew something had changed for us, but no one wanted to say anything. There'd been speculation over the last couple of years about us; now that there was something to talk about, the chatter was over. I think we were both relieved.

The medication must have taken effect because the pain was wicking away and I felt I could breathe more easily.

~x~x~

"You look tired," I said the next time my eyes opened.

"I've been worried. I thought we were going to lose you. I don't want that to ever happen," he said in a strangled voice.

"You should get some sleep. I've got enough monitors and other gadgets attached to me that I don't think I'll be escaping any time soon."

"I can sleep when I'm dead. Besides, I like to watch you sleep," he said as he started to play with my hair.

"I must look awful. I hate it when I get bedhead."

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I don't know how to tell you, so I say nothing. Besides, I really like seeing you with bedhead, especially if you got it from being with me."

"This hardly counts as being with you," I said. "How bad is it?"

"We can always cut your hair, less to worry about later."

"I thought you liked my hair."

"I'm teasing. I love wrapping your hair around my fingers. Breathing in the scent of your shampoo."

"Tell me about the incision. I already know how scary I can look with bedhead."

"The incision runs from one inch below your sternum all the way down. The nurses have all been in here to look at it. You got lucky, the surgeon has a reputation for doing amazing work."

"Have you looked at it?"

"When they've changed the dressing, yeah, I looked. I hate it that you were cut so badly, that I didn't protect you."

"There goes my career as a belly dancer," I said feigning a sigh, "or a professional stripper."

"I didn't know you wanted to be an exotic dancer. I can put up mirrors in the living room and a stripper pole if you want," he said with a wink.

I would have slapped his hand away or made a smart remark, but it was too much work.

"This is going to impact our relationship, isn't it?" I asked not wanting to meet his eyes.

"You won't be able to participate in extra curricular activities for a while, but you'll heal and I can wait. I waited for you before and I'll wait again. I'm a patient man given the right enticement."

"Ass."

"You love my ass."

He was right, I did. He had an amazing ass; it was perfect, tight and mouthwatering.

I wanted to kiss him and remind him of what we had together. I wanted to tell him that I would understand if he couldn't wait for me or didn't want to. I wanted to forget about how much pain I was in.

"Time to get the nurse and ask for meds again? It looks like you're due in about ten minutes."

He'd been timing the nurses so they didn't forget. I didn't think they'd forget, but it was sweet to see him in over protective mode.

"Do you know what I really hate about having you in this place?" he asked.

"No one to swipe the blankets from in the middle of the night?"

"Nah, but I've missed that too. I miss holding you. I missed so many opportunities over the years and now that we're finally together, I don't want to miss another moment."

The tears started again.

"I shouldn't have said that. I'm an idiot. I love you and can't stand it that you're hurting."

He loves me? He's never said anything like that before, ever. I've been in love with him for so long without any hope of reciprocity that I felt broadsided.

He must have noticed the look on my face.

"Of course I love you. I miss you like crazy when we aren't together. Why do you think I had the duty roster changed so we are together more often?"

I hadn't really thought about it much. I'd just been enjoying what we'd been given and taking it one day at a time.

"I've heard that couples shouldn't work together; it can destroy the relationship."

"Never going to happen. You have my word," he said as he brushed his lips over mine.

I sighed and closed my eyes. The next time I opened them, the sky was dark and the nurse was looking at me.

~x~x~

"He wanted you to know he had to go into work for a little while," she said. "He left me something and he wanted to make sure you got it when you woke up."

She walked to the little closet and removed a brown teddy bear with a great big green bow around his neck.

"He wanted you to know that you weren't going to be alone, and he thought this was a trustworthy replacement."

I smiled. I'm not sure if it was because she put new meds in my IV or the fact he'd left me a present.

"Sweetie, you've been through a lot recently," she said as she checked the monitors and lines. "Do you want him on the night stand or in bed with you?"

I'm too old for stuffed animals in bed with me. I haven't had anything like this since I was about ten. It made me feel young, naïve and a little foolish, but loved.

"With me," I said raising my arm to accept the toy.

"He hoped you'd say that. He's been complaining about the size of the bed you're in. Said there's no way he can cuddle you in that thing."

She was right. I'm smaller than he is and I barely fit; no way the two of us could possibly fit comfortably. I usually draped myself over him when I slept, but from the size of the incision and the pain when I tried to sit up, there was no way I'd be able to snuggle with him the way I liked.

"There is some good news," she beamed.

"I could use some good news right about now," I said. "Lay it on me."

"You get to start solid food tonight."

Perfect, hospital food, what joy. I'd eaten enough Jell-O to last me a lifetime. Almost anything would taste good right about now.

"It's not as bad as it used to be. You can even choose from the menu."

I looked it over and saw a hamburger with fries on the menu. It wouldn't be McDonald's but it was something.

~x~x~

A couple of hours later I woke to find him looking at me.

"You've had a shower and a nap," I said sniffing the air around him. The shadows under his eyes had lightened significantly, the stress somewhat eased.

"The shower here is too small and I like my own towels," he said, "and yes, I had a nap. But it wasn't the same without you."

Which the shower or the nap? I'd have to ask him later.

"Did you get the guy who was responsible?" I asked. I'd wanted to know but had been afraid to ask.

"Yeah," he said soothing my brow.

I knew it was handled almost immediately after the incident. Extreme prejudice. Society would have one less menace on the streets. I knew he had probably handled it himself; there would be no ramifications from the law.

I nodded slightly.

~x~x~

"Want an adventure tonight?" he asked.

Based on the lack of McDonald's bags, I highly doubted it would be a culinary adventure.

"You gonna bust me out of here?" I had my doubts, but I had my hopes though, too.

"Nah, I was going to show you the sights."

"Sights?"

"Time for you to start walking. The sooner you can lap the floor, the sooner they're going to let you out."

"I can do that, but you're going to have to ask the warden if it's OK."

"You've got liberty for a few minutes," he said.

He dropped the rail by the side of the bed and eased me to a sitting position. I rotated so that my legs could dangle over the edge. Before my feet could touch the ground, he covered them in slippers; ugly slippers, black and utilitarian. We were going to have to have words about his taste in footwear, it was seriously in need of refinement.

I leaned on him as we walked the floor. The nursing staff smiled at the two of us as we went past them for the third time.

"Hey, you gonna train for the Olympics?" one of them asked during my fourth lap.

"I discovered what it might take for you to let me out, so I'm going to do it," I said with a smile.

"Don't over do," she said. "You might need a rub down to prevent soreness."

He said over his shoulder, "Got it covered."

I had been walking slowly and now I could barely even shuffle my feet.

"Time to get you to bed," he said.

"Is that an offer?" I asked.

"You wish," he said smiling.

Actually I did wish, and I knew it would be a wish come true, just not today.

~x~x~

"I talked to your doctor today," he said after I was situated on the bed, teddy bear in my arms.

"And?"

"You get to come home in a couple of days."

My eyes welled up, I closed them in effort to prevent them from leaking. I was going to be alone again. Granted I'd be in a lot of pain and probably sleeping around the clock, but I didn't want to be exiled from his life. He was going to get back to his life and wouldn't want me complicating it any further. I could see the end coming, it was just a matter of hearing the words.

"You don't want to come home?" he asked concerned.

"I just don't want …"

"What?"

'To be a burden. To be dependent. To be alone.' These thoughts I could barely acknowledge to myself, much less say directly to him.

I took a deep breath, my eyes were still closed.

"Look at me," he said.

"I can't," I whispered.

I knew it had been too good to be true. I knew that the romance of my life was over. I was now damaged goods; he only ever had the best of everything. I never saw myself as the best, but as semi-OK; good enough - sometimes. Now I was sub-par; the bits and pieces of me I knew he liked were going to be offline for a very long time. I couldn't look at him and hear the words that I was going to be out of his life again, this time forever.

"Please?" he whispered. "I want to look in your eyes. They are the windows of your very soul."

"That's why I don't want to open them." My eyes had never been able to hide anything from anyone, ever.

"I want you to meet my family. I want them to know who's stolen my heart."

"Really?"

"Really. They've known about you for a long time. I get grief on a routine basis; they think I've made you up. They say no one can be as perfect as I describe you."

"You are obviously lying to them when you talk to them. I am about as far from perfect as they come."

"Not to me. You make my life worth living, you are the other half of my soul. You are …"

"In love with you. Yes, I'd love to meet your family, Manny."

"Good, because they want us to come to dinner as soon as you are able."

~x~x~

Several weeks passed and the outer wound was healing. I slept around the clock for the first month. I felt awful pulling Manny from work, but he never left my side. He was my angel in black cargoes.

"I can't wear this to meet your mother," I called from the bowels of the closet.

"Why not? I love you in that sweater," he answered from in the bathroom.

"We'll look like the Bobsy Twins. It would work if we were six, but we aren't. If I wear the sweater, you have to put on a different shirt."

"Fine. My mother hates me in brown anyway."

I thought he looked cute in brown.

He came into the closet and grabbed a blue and white striped shirt.

"Better?" he asked kissing my temple.

"Much."

I smiled while I watched him take off his shirt and replace it with the new one. I loved watching his muscles flex as he moved. I would never tire of the sight.

"See something you like?"

"Most decidedly so," I said attempting to kiss him.

"We'll finish this when we get home, OK?" he asked.

"Sounds good, Manny."

"Are you sure you're up for it?" he asked.

"I was cleared by the doctor earlier this week to resume more normal activities."

"And you didn't say anything?"

"I didn't want to pressure you, and I knew how much this dinner means to you."

"The sooner we leave, the sooner we get back."

He started to leave the sanctity of the closet when I pulled him back by his belt loops.

"I just wanted to let you know how much I love you," I said as I kissed him.

"I love you too, Zero."

* * *

A/N: so, it probably wasn't what or who you expected ... change the names if it'll make you feel better. And don't say I didn't warn you. Alf


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